It’s that time of year when every shop window is overflowing with red hearts and roses, not-so-subtly reminding us to think about LOVE in all its technicolour glory.
Which is great if you’re newly in love and feeling all the feels… but what if you’re a mum who’s trying to hold down a busy job whilst simultaneously trying to get the kids to school on time even though no one ever wants to put their shoes on?
If that’s where you are then I won’t be surprised if love and romance don’t feel like your highest priority.
It’s not just that—stressed-out, overwhelmed mums are so busy doing everything for everyone else that if I suggested a bit of self-love, I’d likely get a sarky response and an eye roll worthy of a teenager.
So I’m going to ask you to bear with me—it will be worth it, I promise!
Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages?
This was a system coined by therapist Gary Chapman to describe the different ways that people feel loved. He identified that the main cause of conflict in couples is a mismatch in their communication styles, which often left them feeling uncared for despite their partner feeling they were being very loving!
I’m not a couples counsellor, but I still see this mismatch in my clients.
It comes in the form of them telling me they value one thing but behaving as if the opposite is true. I’ve seen this as a pattern time and again, and it comes from one thing they all have in common:
They’ve been conditioned to put everyone else's needs first and they find themselves struggling with the heavy mental load of other people's stuff. It’s hard for my clients to set boundaries because they feel so guilty about who they might be letting down.
When we take time to explore their needs and desires, it can often be quite surprising. They realise that they haven’t focused their attention on what makes them feel happy.
When they do, it feels like a total revelation, a real opportunity for them to understand how taking time for them to do what they love actually makes them feel less rushed and overwhelmed.
They stop resenting their partners and find they can have conversations about the stress they’ve been juggling without feeling afraid of the conflict.
All by just creating a little bit of space for themselves!
So how can the love languages help us to look after ourselves better and create that elusive ‘space’?
🙏 Acts of service
Help your future self feel good by doing things ahead of time.
If you know you’ve got a busy week ahead, you can reduce stress by taking 20 minutes to do a menu plan and set up a food delivery for the week ahead. But it doesn’t have to stop at meal planning—think about anything that could make your life easier.
Could you lay out your clothes the night before so your mornings feel less rushed? Could you set up an auto-order for things you always forget, like toilet paper or pet food? Maybe you could batch-cook a meal for those nights when you know you’ll be too exhausted to think, let alone cook.
Acts of service aren’t just about the big, life-changing things—they’re about making your daily routine feel smoother and more manageable. And when you take care of the small stuff in advance, you create more breathing room for yourself in the moment
🎁 Gift Giving
My husband is an excellent gift giver and for my 50th birthday he’s giving me a gift on the 15th of each month of the year - amazing, I feel very lucky!
If you’re like him and you love giving gifts then why not give to yourself too? You’re already great at picking perfect presents, and you know exactly what you want so it’s simple right?
A bit of permission giving is usually required here. Often we don’t like to spend money on ourselves, but, as L’Oreal has been pointing out for years: you’re worth it!
Stop waiting for your partner to give you the perfect gift because it may not be their love language and you’ll end up with a new iron…again!
✅ Words of affirmation
Many women have a strong inner critic that relentlessly tells them they’re not good enough. It comes from a pattern established in childhood, maybe your mum criticised you a lot or you had a teacher who just seemed to pick on you.
Imagine if that inner voice said nice things to you! ‘You did a good job today Polly, well done!’
If you can just allow yourself to catch the critical voice when it pops up and disagree with it then it can be a springboard greater self belief.
⏱️ Time
Desperate for your partner to look up from their phone and give you their undivided attention? You are very definitely not alone!
Often we crave attention from the people we love and if this is your love language, it’s no doubt incredibly frustrating.
A good start in turning this around to you is to think about the things that you don’t feel you have time for and consciously allow yourself time to focus on them. Even if you only have 10 minutes to spare it creates space and peace within you feels incredibly nourishing.
🤗 Touch
If physical touch is the way you feel loved, then making time to notice being in your own body is a game changer. When you’re busy or distracted you can race through life without noticing how you feel about anything.
If you’ve only got a few minutes then try the 5/4/3/2/1 senses exercise:
Start by taking 3 deep breaths and then
Look at whatever is directly in front of you and notice 5 things about it.
Now close your eyes if you want to and listen out for 4 separate sounds you can hear
Then allow yourself to feel where your body is in 3 different places, maybe your feet on the floor, your clothes against your skin or the warmth of the sun on your face
Now find 2 things close by that you can smell
And 1 thing that you can taste.
How do you feel after that? How does your mind feel? Are you more grounded in your body?
The way you feel loved is deeply personal, and it turns out the same applies to the way you care for yourself. When you start recognising how your love language influences what makes you feel valued and fulfilled, self-care becomes less of a guilty indulgence and more of a necessity.
So, which love language do you think speaks most to you? And more importantly—how can you use it to show yourself a little more kindness this week? Let me know in the comments or hit reply if this resonated with you ❤️❤️❤️
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